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By Dawn Bauer, Women of L.E.A.D.E.R.S.H.I.P. 1ST

Do you ever find yourself thinking, “There is just no way I can ever do this?” or “Why do I have to always go through such trials?” or “If only he/she would do what I ask…?” I must confess…GUILTY! I read last week that the messages we tell ourselves can become self-fulfilled prophecies! Ouch! Not sure I was prepared to take ownership that it wasn’t my situation, but my thoughts and actions surrounding the circumstance that mattered.

So, I decided to do a little test of this theory. Each day I made a conscious decision to look at every situation from two perspectives: my impulsive reaction and then my rational response. I was truly amazed at the difference in the two. It made me stop and think of the times in the past of how I handled situations and especially the ones that I hadn’t liked the outcome. I began to realize that maybe it was how I chose to approach the situation based on my attitude and perspective that caused the outcome to seem unfavorable.

I realized in these moments how often we defeat ourselves by the messages we send from the words we speak. Often, we don’t even realize the power in the words that enter our mind. Once planted, we give a life to our thoughts through action…sometimes negative and sometimes positive. So with this, I began paying close attention to the things I allowed to fester in my head that were causing me to feel defeated before I even began my day.

Since, I’ve made a decision and a new commitment to myself. Life will always throw us unexpected situations, life won’t always go as planned and even in all our best efforts, we may fall short of our goals. But I was reminded that I needed to be careful about how I perceived these situations. Join me and resolve yourself to pay attention to the thoughts that you allow to take root. Try excavating these words from your thoughts. Ditch “I CAN’T”; Drop the “WHY ME’S” and Dump the “IF ONLY’S.”Replace with “I CAN and I WILL”! Remember, the positive outlook may not change the situation, but it will definitely change how you respond.

Dawn Bauer used her personal experience of “tough love” toward her troubled son to found The Family Hope Line in 2009. Family Hope Line is a cost-free placement service which assists families with struggling teens and provides family restoration. Through her company Dawn is a Family Advocate and certified Parent Coach. Her company creates an education-focused environment for teens while providing them with important life lessons to examine failed expectations, low self-esteem and fear which can hinder their potential and personal growth. Dawn is passionate in serving others and volunteers her time to various organizations in her community of St. Simons Island, Ga. Her message for young ladies is to “forgive and move from victim to victor” with a goal of empowering them with personal awareness and obtaining life skills that allow them to impact and empower others with similar struggles.

By Hakim Hazim, L.E.A.D.E.R.S.H.I.P. 1ST Intervention Specialist

“According to a poet: ‘The warrior of light chooses his enemies,’ he knows what he is capable of; he does not have to go about the world boasting of his qualities and virtues. Nevertheless, there is always someone who wants to prove himself better than he is.

For the warrior, there is no ‘better’ or ‘worse’: everyone has the necessary gifts for his particular path. But certain people insist. They provoke and offend and do everything they can to irritate him. At that point, his heart says: ‘Do not respond to these insults, they will not increase your abilities. You will tire yourself needlessly.’ A warrior of light does not waste his time listening to provocations; he has a destiny to fulfill.”  -Paulo Cohelo

It’s sad but true. People can send us galloping in many directions because we sometimes feel the need to prove ourselves. Don’t fall for it. When I was a younger man and sadly so still on occasion, I feel a prick in my heart. Subtle comments or gestures make me want to prove a point to someone. I’ve learned to resist this urge by reviewing my own history and the myriad examples before me. I watch people galloping off in numerous directions based on the need to prove someone wrong or right. They create stress and unnecessary drama and more often than not, they allowed themselves to be manipulated into doing something foolish.

Some of the gang-involved youth I work with tell me sad stories of how they did things to prove their manhood to their set. They only realized after the fact that they were being manipulated the entire duration of their involvement with gangs. I hear stories of young women who obsess about their weight and body image. A friend of theirs has joined a gym and lost weight. They make it a point to continue to make them feel insecure about theirs – maintaining an air of superiority in the conversation. Soon their significant other picks up on it and makes comments that are designed to arouse jealousy.

These are just some common examples of how living to prove something to yourself or others is a foolish thing. If you have goals, that is a good thing and should be pursued; however, if your self-worth is tied to proving things to others or fulfilling some self-centered whim, you’ll wear yourself out and never find time to truly enjoy life or your relationships.

Hakim Hazim is the founder of Relevant Now Consultancy and L.E.A.D.E.R.S.H.I.P. 1ST Intervention Specialist. Hakim has been immersed in research for at risk populations since 1993. His successful results confirmed first-hand that: “The price of incarceration in terms of expense for housing offenders is too much for society to consistently pay, and the future grows darker. Bluntly put, we can’t sustain the cost in lives or resources. It is my fervent belief that a productive tax-paying citizen is a far better option. Given the right tools, young people can change and lead positive lives.” As a certified Crisis Prevention Institute Senior Trainer and Behavior Intervention Specialist he specializes in the following various areas of security: counterterrorism, radical religious sects, gangs, juvenile delinquency and law enforcement approaches for mentally ill or challenged individuals. Hakim is also the creator of the 4Cs of Leadership trainings and MC2U: “Mentoring Challenge to You” initiative.

By Hakim Hazim, L.E.A.D.E.R.S.H.I.P. 1ST Intervention Specialist

I read a lot and I’m always looking for books that capture the mood and sentiment of modern society. A friend and colleague recommended Status Anxiety by Alain de Botton. The book is a historical and philosophical exploration about man’s quest for status. It puts forth a particular thesis about modern society: Man’s constant quest for status is primarily rooted in subjective terms that are constantly changing and amplified based on proximity to his neighbor.

One example of this would be in terms of envy over wealth. Very few people struggle over what Bill Gates has, but if someone we know should come into a great deal of wealth or prestige suddenly, it may be more difficult to swallow and we may feel left out or deprived. Status is not necessarily a bad thing, but status obsession is not healthy. Botton pens these words:

“Such feelings of deprivation may seem less peculiar if we consider the psychology behind the way we decide precisely how much is enough. Our judgment of what constitutes an appropriate limit of anything—for example, on wealth or esteem—is never arrived at independently; instead, we make such determinations by comparing our condition with that of a reference group, a set of people who we believe resemble us. We cannot, it seems, appreciate what we have for its own merit, or even against what our medieval forebears had…We see ourselves as fortunate only when we have as much as, or more than, those we have grown up with, work alongside, have as friends or identify with in the public realm.”

In many ways we have all been socialized by this thinking and erroneously adopted mantras that tie into a totem pole idolatry. We simply don’t want to be the “low man on the totem pole” regardless of how much we have or how blessed we have been. The desire to climb and avoid the bottom has clouded the judgment of us all at some point and time. It has also convinced us that we are good people if we have it. As someone said, “Reputation is what people believe about you and character is who you really are when no one is around.” Status is similar. Let’s step back and get honest with ourselves about our pursuits. No one is immune to this.

Hakim Hazim is the founder of Relevant Now Consultancy and L.E.A.D.E.R.S.H.I.P. 1ST Intervention Specialist. Hakim has been immersed in research for at risk populations since 1993. His successful results confirmed first-hand that: “The price of incarceration in terms of expense for housing offenders is too much for society to consistently pay, and the future grows darker. Bluntly put, we can’t sustain the cost in lives or resources. It is my fervent belief that a productive tax-paying citizen is a far better option. Given the right tools, young people can change and lead positive lives.” As a certified Crisis Prevention Institute Senior Trainer and Behavior Intervention Specialist he specializes in the following various areas of security: counterterrorism, radical religious sects, gangs, juvenile delinquency and law enforcement approaches for mentally ill or challenged individuals. Hakim is also the creator of the 4Cs of Leadership trainings and MC2U: “Mentoring Challenge to You” initiative.